I feel like I am starting to accept the saying "what's meant to be will be"
There are days when I don't want to accept things and the realization that my lack of control in this situation is minimal, which is probably the hardest part. I am slowly but surely coming to terms that I cannot change what life has in store for me and us. For those of you that know the real me know that I like to have control in most situations, especially when it comes to me. I like to have a plan and when that plan changes it throws me off. I am easy going with many things but when it comes to things that directly affect me and I don't have control over it, the struggle becomes real. It is something that I am continually working on and I feel like there is a purpose to all of this for me to learn to let go of control and just let it be. In my line of work I see some very heart wrenching cases with extremely vulnerable youth who are in situations that just shouldn't happen in the first place. Some parents take advantage of the amazing opportunity of what it means to be a mother or father. Some days I come home and cry because I just don't understand how some children can be abandoned, neglected, rejected or put in harms way. I just can't fathom the thought of that. I want to take all these children home and rescue them but I can't. These are the days when the Universe just does NOT make sense.
I have many doctors appointments ahead of me and we are about to start the journey of some very mild fertility medications to help assist with things. We recently went to the doctors and everything on paper looked normal, they said my PCOS is very mild because I have worked so hard to fix what I can. We are now classified as "unexpected infertility" meaning there is no reason why we cannot have children. This took a huge weight off my shoulders because I always blamed myself - again wanting to take control over the situation but couldn't. Over the years I have been extremely hard on myself and for once I felt like I could finally let go because it wasn't "my fault." I don't know if I will ever accept not having kids but I know that in my heart I will be a mom-like figure whether its to biological children, foster children, my nieces, the students I work with or my friends kids. Until then.......
Yours Truly
~TK
