It's been awhile since I last blogged and I am hoping to get back at it. My last post almost a year and a half ago was about letting go and accepting what is meant to be. Since my last post about infertility I had a very early unexpected miscarriage and hit my breaking point emotionally. I thought I had let go of everything but it turned out I didn't. I wasn't ready to give up. I did 5 months of letrozole to stimulate ovulation. My body hormonally responded really well to this medication but unfortunately by body didn't. I was bloated, constipated, my boobs were ginormous, extremely emotional and gained weight. I didn't want to give up so I continued hoping and praying this would be it, it was finally going to happen, it had to happen. It didn't. Instead I had every symptom of being pregnant with no baby in the end. In March 2016, we considered going ahead with an IUI (artificial insemination.) Just our luck my body didn't respond to the medication and my doctor resigned from that clinic. At that point I felt defeated. There was no more fight left in me. I decided it was time to take a break from the emotional roller coaster. The first few months were emotional and I felt depressed but it felt so good to get off the fertility medication and try to get back to myself . In the summer my goal was to focus on me. I was able to do just that. I suntanned in my backyard, I walked up to the local coffee shop and enjoyed my (almost) daily frappes, I slept in when I wanted to, did projects around the house I've always wanted to do, I laid in my hammock starring at the gorgeous trees, was working out 5 days a week, we did our annual osoyoos trip, I went to Saskatchewan to visit my sister, her hubby and my nieces. I was focusing on the girl who's been lost these past few years trying to create something that's not ready just quite yet. It was a very therapeutic summer to say the least. It felt amazing, I felt amazing. Refreshed. I was finally enjoying the simple things in life again. I wasn't feeling bitter or sad every time someone announced their pregnancy or I saw a pregnant lady walk by. I was genuinely happy for them. For those who have ever struggled with infertility or had a miscarriage you understand this feeling all to well.
During this time I was continually getting blood work done, curious to see if I was ovulating and to my surprise I ovulated during the summer and into September and October. I was getting the same numbers for ovulation I was getting while on fertility medication. I was filled with tears of joy. I was so proud of myself for letting go, focusing on myself and in the end my body responded. These last couple months I finally feel free. I am actually letting go of control. I am so incredibly thankful for the mini family Chris and I have created including our little furbaby, Knox. We have amazing people who have supported us through this journey. My friends and family have been there for me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I can't thank them enough.
I used to think that having children was the most important thing to me but I am realizing what I currently have is the most important to me and babies are a bonus. Chris always told me, "Marrying you was the most important thing, babies are a bonus." I guess I should have always taken his advice. I don't know what our future has in store but I am thankful for my hubby, furbaby, our family and friends.
For those who are going through infertility, it does get better and you will have the ability to let go. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy but you will get there. It also doesn't mean you are giving up, instead you are choosing to enjoy life and be thankful for what you do have instead of what you don't have. It's taken me almost 5 years to get here. To my cheerleaders who have had my back and picked me up off the ground when I felt like I didn't have any fight left, thank you! You are my angels, my squad, my ride or die.
Lots of Love
~ TK
