I have decided to share a very private part of my life which is really hard but I feel like it's time to be as vulnerable as possible in my journey to let go of control. As stated in previous blogs Chris and I are currently going through infertility and have been for the last three years. To date one of the hardest things I have ever gone through personally. In December 2011 Chris and I started talking about expanding our family, I was a little hesitant not knowing the tough journey ahead of me. I wanted to put it off for a few months as my best friend was getting married in Mexico and the naive 26 year old in me thought I would get pregnant instantly. Chris and I always thought he would be the one who would have a hard time with fertility as he had Testicular Cancer at the age of 21. We had some reserve put away but we wanted to get him tested just to see. He was fine and was good to go! In December 2011 I decided to go off of contraceptives as I knew it can take some time to get out of your system. One month went by no cycle, two months went by no cycle, 6 months went by no cycle, my reproductive system had basically shut down. After 6 months I decided it was time to go to the doctor. I went for blood tests, ultrasounds, dye tests, more blood tests and in October 2012 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS.) Huh?? what does that even mean. My doctor basically told me I had tiny cysts on my ovaries and they were preventing me from cycling properly. When I did my own research on PCOS I was shocked at how many women have this as well but it didn't seem like anyone talked about it. I was then referred to an OBGYN in January 2013 and she put me on progesterone (a hormone pill to kick start your system and get your cycle going,) along with Clomid (helps with ovulation.) My body didn't respond to this after three months. She then referred me to a Fertility Doctor in March 2013, I was devastated. I didn't want to go to a fertility doctor at the age of 27. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, empty and bitter. I felt like I had hit rock bottom and didn't know how to get out. My husband was amazing through this whole process. He always told me marrying me was his intentions and babies were a bonus. I became my own worst enemy, I kept telling myself what kind of woman can't have a baby, that's what we are supposed to do. You get married and you have babies. I had a hard time accepting what was facing ahead of me.
After a few months of processing everything I decided to go the natural route. I reached out to a Naturopath doctor that I used to work for. She completely changed my diet (no sugar, no dairy, no wheat) and followed an elimination diet while also doing a Candida Cleanse (no sugar, yeast, vinegars.) I juiced everyday, ate liver 6 times a week (my iron was very low,) and switched all my food to organic. Within two months I had a regular cycle and it has been regular ever since. Later in my research I found that PCOS is directly related to diabetes. My great grandmother, grandfather and dad all had/have diabetes. I found that when I cut processed sugar out of my diet it affected my cycle dramatically. I went to an acupuncturist, a chiropractor who specializes in the female reproductive system, I injected myself with vitamins to detox my liver. You name it, I did it. I did this all for about a year. My Naturopath then told me I was good to go, everything looked good and I had successfully detoxed my body from all the crap that was in it. I thought okay this is it, it has to happen now..... but after two solid years of trying to have babies (and those of you who have been there it sounds fun but it's not, it takes all the fun out of it!) Mine and Chris' relationship was seriously suffering. You don't really know how infertility can affect your relationship until you are in it. I was on my "diet" living in a bubble and he was, well just living life. We started to drift apart and I grew more and more bitter. Eventually we decided to part ways in June 2014. It was one of the hardest decisions of our lives but we were miserable. At this point I felt like I had lost everything. My friends were my saving grace and to this day I don't think I can thank them enough for everything they have done for me. My parents were an incredible support system to, always knowing what to do and say. I don't think I spent one week at home, I was always traveling to various parts of Canada. In July, Chris and I realized that we did want to be together and we did love each other, it was the circumstances that pulled us apart. I had realized a lot about myself as well, I wasn't enjoying life and I needed to let go of control with my situation of the possibility of not being able to have babies. It felt so good when I did finally let go. It was a breath of fresh air, I felt like I could enjoy and live life again as if this massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't being so crazy strict with my diet and I was living a little. Over the next few months Chris and I decided we were going to fight through this and work on things. It's amazing what can happen when you let go of control and relax a little because in September 2014 we found out we were pregnant. When I took the test I thought it was some sort of sick joke because I had just accepted that it wasn't going to happen. We were over the moon with excitement and wanted to tell our family and friends the amazing news. It truly was a miracle. But just as soon as we were filled with excitement and started to let it sink in, we unfortunately found out a miscarriage was just around the corner. Devastated once again. Women who have gone through this truly understand the instant emptiness you feel. I didn't understand why we would be given this miracle and then it be taken away just like that. I had worked so hard to get where I was mentally, physically and emotionally and the miscarriage set me back about 10 steps in my journey, feeling like I was right back at square one. I didn't know how to overcome this. I was done, drained emotionally and physically. As I was recovering, it felt like EVERYONE was pregnant or having babies and all I kept seeing was pregnant bellies everywhere I went. Somehow I got the strength to just keep pushing forward. It gave me some hope that it could happen again. Currently that hope is still there, it's minimal but its flickering in there somewhere. It is still a journey and it is a continual struggle full of lots of up's and down's. Somedays are better than others, while other days are good. I have an absolutely amazing support system that I couldn't do this without. My husband, my family and my amazing friends that force me out when somedays I just feel like staying home. Turning 30 has been a struggle to as I thought I would be done have kids before then but life as we know it has a plan of its own and we cannot control what is meant to be. To those who have gone through or are going through a similar journey, I applaud you and truly hope that you can share your story with someone else. You just never know when that someone needs to know they are not alone.
~TK
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