Thankful

It's been awhile since I last blogged and I am hoping to get back at it. My last post almost a year and a half ago was about letting go and accepting what is meant to be. Since my last post about infertility I had a very early unexpected miscarriage and hit my breaking point emotionally. I thought I had let go of everything but it turned out I didn't. I wasn't ready to give up. I did 5 months of letrozole to stimulate ovulation. My body hormonally responded really well to this medication but unfortunately by body didn't. I was bloated, constipated, my boobs were ginormous, extremely emotional and gained weight.  I didn't want to give up so I continued hoping and praying this would be it, it was finally going to happen, it had to happen. It didn't. Instead I had every symptom of being pregnant with no baby in the end. In March 2016, we considered going ahead with an IUI (artificial insemination.) Just our luck my body didn't respond to the medication and my doctor resigned from that clinic. At that point I felt defeated. There was no more fight left in me. I decided it was time to take a break from the emotional roller coaster. The first few months were emotional and I felt depressed but it felt so good to get off the fertility medication and try to get back to myself . In the summer my goal was to focus on me. I was able to do just that. I suntanned in my backyard, I walked up to the local coffee shop and enjoyed my (almost) daily frappes, I slept in when I wanted to, did projects around the house I've always wanted to do, I laid in my hammock starring at the gorgeous trees, was working out 5 days a week, we did our annual osoyoos trip, I went to Saskatchewan to visit my sister, her hubby and my nieces. I was focusing on the girl who's been lost these past few years trying to create something that's not ready just quite yet. It was a very therapeutic summer to say the least. It felt amazing, I felt amazing. Refreshed. I was finally enjoying the simple things in life again. I wasn't feeling bitter or sad every time someone announced their pregnancy or I saw a pregnant lady walk by. I was genuinely happy for them. For those who have ever struggled with infertility or had a miscarriage you understand this feeling all to well.
During this time I was continually getting blood work done, curious to see if I was ovulating and to my surprise I ovulated during the summer and into September and October. I was getting the same numbers for ovulation I was getting while on fertility medication. I was filled with tears of joy. I was so proud of myself for letting go, focusing on myself and in the end my body responded. These last couple months I finally feel free. I am actually letting go of control. I am so incredibly thankful for the mini family Chris and I have created including our little furbaby, Knox. We have amazing people who have supported us through this journey. My friends and family have been there for me through the good, the bad and the ugly. I can't thank them enough.
I used to think that having children was the most important thing to me but I am realizing what I currently have is the most important to me and babies are a bonus. Chris always told me, "Marrying you was the most important thing, babies are a bonus." I guess I should have always taken his advice.  I don't know what our future has in store but I am thankful for my hubby, furbaby, our family and friends.

For those who are going through infertility,  it does get better and you will have the ability to let go. It doesn't mean it's going to be easy but you will get there. It also doesn't mean you are giving up, instead you are choosing to enjoy life and be thankful for what you do have instead of what you don't have. It's taken me almost 5 years to get here. To my cheerleaders who have had my back and picked me up off the ground when I felt like I didn't have any fight left, thank you! You are my angels, my squad, my ride or die.

Lots of Love

~ TK

Accepting...

I feel like I am starting to accept the saying "what's meant to be will be" 

There are days when I don't want to accept things and the realization that my lack of control in this situation is minimal, which is probably the hardest part. I am slowly but surely coming to terms that I cannot change what life has in store for me and us. For those of you that know the real me know that I like to have control in most situations, especially when it comes to me. I like to have a plan and when that plan changes it throws me off.  I am easy going with many things but when it comes to things that directly affect me and I don't have control over it, the struggle becomes real. It is something that I am continually working on and I feel like there is a purpose to all of this for me to learn to let go of control and just let it be. In my line of work I see some very heart wrenching cases with extremely vulnerable youth who are in situations that just shouldn't happen in the first place. Some parents take advantage of the amazing opportunity of what it means to be a mother or father. Some days I come home and cry because I just don't understand how some children can be abandoned, neglected, rejected or put in harms way. I just can't fathom the thought of that. I want to take all these children home and rescue them but I can't. These are the days when the Universe just does NOT make sense. 

I have many doctors appointments ahead of me and we are about to start the journey of some very mild fertility medications to help assist with things. We recently went to the doctors and everything on paper looked normal, they said my PCOS is very mild because I have worked so hard to fix what I can. We are now classified as "unexpected infertility" meaning there is no reason why we cannot have children. This took a huge weight off my shoulders because I always blamed myself - again wanting to take control over the situation but couldn't. Over the years I have been extremely hard on myself and for once I felt like I could finally let go because it wasn't "my fault." I don't know if I will ever accept not having kids but I know that in my heart I will be a mom-like figure whether its to biological children, foster children, my nieces, the students I work with or my friends kids. Until then.......

Yours Truly

~TK

Fostering Our Youth

Have you ever wondered what happens to those children and youth who get removed from their homes? The ones you often only see in movies.....

Well I can tell you that those children and youth do exist and I have the privilege of working with a few of them. These kids are probably my favourite to work with. They are little adults trapped in a child's body. Most of them had to grow up a lot faster than one should. Their childhoods have been stripped of them because of the environments they've grown up in. They have witnessed and been through things that no one should experience. They can be tough to love because their only defense mechanism is to put up a wall as a way of protecting themselves. They often push people away because it's easier than to let them into their lives and have yet another person leave again, after all everyone seems to abandon them at one point or another. Often times they can become so defiant because they aren't used to people caring so much, they are used to people walking in and out of their lives so when someone actually wants to stay and be apart of their life its foreign to them. These little human beings grow up, some go back with their mom or dad, some go live with a relative or a family friend, while others stay in Foster Care until they are eighteen years old. Some move from foster home to foster home, some get adopted (usually the younger ones) while others don't get adopted at all. One can only wonder what it does to a child to not feel wanted or that they weren't enough for their dad to stop using drugs or weren't enough for their mom to stop prostituting or for their basic needs to be met. It truly is heartbreaking to see these children hurt so much but nothing I nor anyone else can do to fill that void. They long to be with their parents, that love is so incredibly strong and unconditional it tugs at the heart. Fostering children doesn't fix the problem but it most definitely helps a child if they are put into a positive environment. The need for foster parents is high. I've spoken to some social workers who have to call the school that child attends to see if any staff members can take the child as there are no homes for him/her to go. Some of them sit at the Ministry office until the social worker can find a place for them to stay knowing they cannot go home. The need is there.

As someone who has always longed for children of my own and someone who has struggled with the thought of possibly not having that dream come true, I find myself thinking maybe I am supposed to become a mother just not the one I traditionally thought I would be. Fostering has tugged at my heart for the last 2 years. Just recently my husband and myself have started baby steps to possibly do respite work for a boy who has made a huge impact on me. I don't know what the end result will be and I am not sure if we will keep pushing forward to eventually become Foster Parents down the road but I do know that this next baby step feels right.

If you have ever thought of becoming a Foster Parent or even a Big Brother/Sister, I strongly encourage you to start the process. It's not about filling the void of their parents its about being a shinning light in their lives. The saying is true in every aspect that it takes a village to raise a child. 

Yours Truly ~TK

Trials & Tribulations

I have decided to share a very private part of my life which is really hard but I feel like it's time to be as vulnerable as possible in my journey to let go of control. As stated in previous blogs Chris and I are currently going through infertility and have been for the last three years. To date one of the hardest things I have ever gone through personally.  In December 2011 Chris and I started talking about expanding our family, I was a little hesitant not knowing the tough journey ahead of me. I wanted to put it off for a few months as my best friend was getting married in Mexico and the naive 26 year old in me thought I would get pregnant instantly. Chris and I always thought he would be the one who would have a hard time with fertility as he had Testicular Cancer at the age of 21. We had some reserve put away but we wanted to get him tested just to see. He was fine and was good to go! In December 2011 I decided to go off of contraceptives as I knew it can take some time to get out of your system. One month went by no cycle, two months went by no cycle, 6 months went by no cycle, my reproductive system had basically shut down.  After 6 months I decided it was time to go to the doctor. I went for blood tests, ultrasounds, dye tests, more blood tests and in October 2012 I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS.) Huh?? what does that even mean. My doctor basically told me I had tiny cysts on my ovaries and they were preventing me from cycling properly. When I did my own research on PCOS I was shocked at how many women have this as well but it didn't seem like anyone talked about it. I was then referred to an OBGYN in January 2013 and she put me on progesterone (a hormone pill to kick start your system and get your cycle going,) along with Clomid (helps with ovulation.) My body didn't respond to this after three months. She then referred me to a Fertility Doctor in March 2013, I was devastated. I didn't want to go to a fertility doctor at the age of 27. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, empty and bitter. I felt like I had hit rock bottom and didn't know how to get out. My husband was amazing through this whole process. He always told me marrying me was his intentions and babies were a bonus. I became my own worst enemy, I kept telling myself what kind of woman can't have a baby, that's what we are supposed to do. You get married and you have babies. I had a hard time accepting what was facing ahead of me. 

After a few months of processing everything I decided to go the natural route. I reached out to a Naturopath doctor that I used to work for. She completely changed my diet (no sugar, no dairy, no wheat) and followed an elimination diet while also doing a Candida Cleanse (no sugar, yeast, vinegars.) I juiced everyday, ate liver 6 times a week (my iron was very low,) and switched all my food to organic. Within two months I had a regular cycle and it has been regular ever since. Later in my research I found that PCOS is directly related to diabetes. My great grandmother, grandfather and dad all had/have diabetes. I found that when I cut processed sugar out of my diet it affected my cycle dramatically. I went to an acupuncturist, a chiropractor who specializes in the female reproductive system, I injected myself with vitamins to detox my liver. You name it, I did it.  I did this all for about a year. My Naturopath then told me I was good to go, everything looked good and I had successfully detoxed my body from all the crap that was in it. I thought okay this is it, it has to happen now..... but after two solid years of trying to have babies (and those of you who have been there it sounds fun but it's not, it takes all the fun out of it!) Mine and Chris' relationship was seriously suffering. You don't really know how infertility can affect your relationship until you are in it. I was on my "diet" living in a bubble and he was, well just living life. We started to drift apart and I grew more and more bitter. Eventually we decided to part ways in June 2014. It was one of the hardest decisions of our lives but we were miserable. At this point I felt like I had lost everything. My friends were my saving grace and to this day I don't think I can thank them enough for everything they have done for me. My parents were an incredible support system to, always knowing what to do and say.  I don't think I spent one week at home, I was always traveling to various parts of Canada. In July, Chris and I realized that we did want to be together and we did love each other, it was the circumstances that pulled us apart. I had realized a lot about myself as well, I wasn't enjoying life and I needed to let go of control with my situation of the possibility of not being able to have babies. It felt so good when I did finally let go. It was a breath of fresh air, I felt like I could enjoy and live life again as if this massive weight was lifted off my shoulders. I wasn't being so crazy strict with my diet and I was living a little. Over the next few months Chris and I decided we were going to fight through this and work on things. It's amazing what can happen when you let go of control and relax a little because in September 2014 we found out we were pregnant. When I took the test I thought it was some sort of sick joke because I had just accepted that it wasn't going to happen. We were over the moon with excitement and wanted to tell our family and friends the amazing news. It truly was a miracle. But just as soon as we were filled with excitement and started to let it sink in, we unfortunately found out a miscarriage was just around the corner. Devastated once again. Women who have gone through this truly understand the instant emptiness you feel. I didn't understand why we would be given this miracle and then it be taken away just like that. I had worked so hard to get where I was mentally, physically and emotionally and the miscarriage set me back about 10 steps in my journey, feeling like I was right back at square one. I didn't know how to overcome this. I was done, drained emotionally and physically. As I was recovering, it felt like EVERYONE was pregnant or having babies and all I kept seeing was pregnant bellies everywhere I went. Somehow I got the strength to just keep pushing forward. It gave me some hope that it could happen again. Currently that hope is still there, it's minimal but its flickering in there somewhere. It is still a journey and it is a continual struggle full of lots of up's and down's. Somedays are better than others, while other days are good. I have an absolutely amazing support system that I couldn't do this without. My husband, my family and my amazing friends that force me out when somedays I just feel like staying home. Turning 30 has been a struggle to as I thought I would be done have kids before then but life as we know it has a plan of its own and we cannot control what is meant to be. To those who have gone through or are going through a similar journey, I applaud you and truly hope that you can share your story with someone else. You just never know when that someone needs to know they are not alone.

Yours Truly

~TK

The Loves of My Life

These two right here are the light of my life, I honestly don't know what I would do without them. My husband and I have been together for 12 going on 13 years and married for almost 5 of those years. It hasn't been smooth sailing the entire span of our relationship but has been worth every bump and struggle along the way. When you have been with someone since you were 17 years old, you grow up together. I found that to be the biggest struggle in our relationship. We went through different stages at different times in our lives making it difficult to connect with each other at times. We have been through him having stage 4 cancer at the age of 21, multiple deaths in the family, a business that took over our lives and infertility. The list unfortunately goes on but ain't nobody got time for that ;) Chris has been my rock especially through the infertility stuff and is probably the most positive person I know. He always looks on the bright side no matter the situation. It can be annoying at times but I love him for that. He has been through more than anyone I know and yet he still keeps moving forward. I don't think I have given him enough credit but he's a pretty cool guy. I like him!!

Onto Mr. Knox, our hilarious Boston Terrier who is pretty much our fur-child. He was a Christmas present from Chris a year and a half ago. I remember going to pick him out on Boxing Day. I had seen him in pictures and out of all 6 puppies I knew I wanted him. His face was almost entirely white and he looked very unique compared to the rest. When we got to the breeders house and saw all the puppies, we fell in love but something seemed off with Knox. He was acting strange as if he was a wee bit slow and walking a like he was a bit tipsy, I honestly thought something was wrong with him. He was also the smallest of them all. After another feeding and a little nap he perked up and became a little bugger. He was tugging on his siblings ears and tackling them wanting to wrestle while they were trying to sleep. At that moment I knew he was the puppy for me. I used to think people had serious issues when they would get so attached to their dog and be those crazy dog people. But I have to say Chris and myself have become those people. Dogs are the best therapy when you are going through difficult times, its an unconditional love that doesn't go away. They are happy when you walk in the door, they love you even when you are in a bad mood and snuggle you at just the right moments. 

Needless to say, these two are my world.......

~ TK

Turning The Big 3 - 0

Over many years I have contemplated whether or not to put my journey out there for the public to see. I have always been a very private person who only shares personal stuff with those that I trust the most. Unfortunately these last 6 years have been some of the toughest years I have faced thus far. I decided it was time to start a blog and hopefully reach out to those who may be going through similar struggles, triumphs and even adventures as me. In this blog I plan to be as honest and real as possible. I have always been an honest person who is straight to the point. I remember when I first got married and everyone would ask "soooo, hows married life?" expecting a fluffy answer that it was amazing ALL OF THE TIME. I would always respond with "well, its like a fine wine, it's a little bitter at first but it gets better with time." I felt alone, like I was the only one who found the first year of marriage to be really tough. Everyone who was getting married around the same time always made it seem like everything was perfect when in reality they were struggling as well. I feel as though life is tough enough, why do people need to pretend like they have everything put together when in reality we are all going through tough times at some point or another. If you want to join me in this crazy journey called life please feel free to!

I am a girl, well I guess soon to be young lady, who is going to start yet a new journey very soon in her thirties. I have no idea how that even happened. I feel like I blinked and now the time has come. When I was younger I used to think turning "30" meant you were ancient and now that it's just around the corner I am surprisingly excited and scared at the same time! Although, I didn't think my life would be where it's at now, I also wouldn't change what I've been through either. I have learned so much about myself and have become the person I am today because of it. When I was younger I had everything planned out in detail. I thought I would be married at 21 (crazy girl,) have children at 24 and definitely be done having children before I was THIRTY and that life would be on it's merry way. None of those things happened to me in that order. Life has definitely taught me a hard lesson that you can try to plan your life out but it doesn't always work that way. In fact it's almost as if you plan everything out and life laughs at you, and does the complete opposite. So here's to the very exciting journey I plan to share with you as I embrace becoming a thirty year old. #dirtythirty here I come!!

~TK